I have weighed the pro's and con's of writing this particular post for the last month or so,and I have finally decided to do so,probably because I am becoming somewhat of an insomniac and don't feel my filter completely turned on right now. So,here goes...
Here we are a year later...a year ago last week we found out we could have a baby even though the odds were unfavorable,but we were still on cloud 9,we felt we could take control of the wedding debt,and we knew for sure we would own a beautiful house. A year later...we are not pregnant,we are in considerably more debt,we got flat out denied for a home,Mike lost his job (thankfully he found a new one),and we are moving 400 miles away from our families and friends,and neither of us want to. 2011 was not a good year by any means,and sadly I left 2010 expecting for this to be the best year of our lives. As far as starting a family goes...that is still undecided whether or not we will continue to try. After a year of unsuccessful trying for a baby is when you are deemed the dreaded "I" word...that added to my translocation...lets just say the odds are not good at this point. Not to mention my heart and mind cannot physically or emotionally take any more unsuccessful attempts for now. I may just have to accept that I may not ever be a mommy...and be okay with that.
I really planned to write more,but that is all my heart can come up with. So, goodnight and goodbye....for now.
Heather
An everyday woman learning to be the best person,wife and stepmother possible.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Replacing Facebook for blogging...for now anyway!
So as you all may have seen,I had a bit of a breakdown and suddenly deleted Facebook and went into hiding mode for a few days,here is why. I am a people pleaser and I am fully aware of this. So I started to feel like I needed to keep up with things like going to Zumba everyday of the week,exercising constantly,posting happy things about work,and staying positive about not being pregnant yet. This probably sounds nuts to some,but that is how my head works. Also,I was constantly checking facebook from my phone...like literally every 2 minutes when I wasn't working. That is ridiculous. At a time when I am so confused with our impending move to Dallas,struggling with getting pregnant,normal step family issues,and not being too happy with myself for letting my workout regimen dwindle down to practically nothing,I decided that I need to take a step back,and stop worrying about other's perception of me,because I know that no one is thinking "wow,Heather hasn't checked in at S57 in a while,she must be a lazy..." but I cannot convince myself of that for whatever reason. Another reason I am stepping away is due to all of the pregnancy/birth announcements. Please don't take this as me not being happy for you,but in order to regain my sanity,it's just best for me not to partake in that right now.
Mike and I have had a lot of added stress at home recently,not only with knowing we will be moving to Dallas but with our relationship with the kids. Ashley and I are fine now,and I feel like we are developing a really good relationship,but Alex and I (and Mike) are struggling. Alex has Asperger's,so he has a hard time with social interaction,but I have been around him for 6 years now,I would think he would be used to me by now. Alex did admit that he has a hard time getting close to me because of the issues with his mother and I. It's hard though to feel like a failure in the step parenting dept,but I have to wait for Alex to come around,because I have really tried everything to develop a relationship with him,but it is going to depend on when he is ready because frankly I am exhausted from the constant attitude and disrespect...no one said blended families came easy.
Well,like I may have mentioned,we are now entering our 11th month of TTC,they say 90% of healthy couples will conceive within 12 months of trying...but my BT does throw a wrench into the mix. We are using the Clearblue easy fertility monitor this month,because it has a very high success rate of pinpointing ovulation (fun stuff right?),so we are hoping that may help. Either way we may go ahead and wait to see a new RE in Dallas after we move. I don't feel it would be wise to begin clomid or any other treatment with Dr.Hales only a month before we move. In other news,I am a huge fan of thebump.com message boards,and the ladies had been talking ALOT about a "baby psychic" named Cheri,and she has actually been right about quite a few of their pregnancies,so for $10 I said what the hell...here is what she predicted!
When it comes to your son, hes someone who is always going to be doing something> loves to keep himself occupied and is not one to want to just sit there and do nothing. Hes going to enjoy watching TV as long as its something that is entertaining, a bit fast paced and action based. Otherwise hes playing with his toys, using his own imagination and just having a good time. Hes always going to love playing with other kids and seeing him always calling on other kids in the neighbourhood to play.
When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 26. They will have two girls of their own.
Mike and I have had a lot of added stress at home recently,not only with knowing we will be moving to Dallas but with our relationship with the kids. Ashley and I are fine now,and I feel like we are developing a really good relationship,but Alex and I (and Mike) are struggling. Alex has Asperger's,so he has a hard time with social interaction,but I have been around him for 6 years now,I would think he would be used to me by now. Alex did admit that he has a hard time getting close to me because of the issues with his mother and I. It's hard though to feel like a failure in the step parenting dept,but I have to wait for Alex to come around,because I have really tried everything to develop a relationship with him,but it is going to depend on when he is ready because frankly I am exhausted from the constant attitude and disrespect...no one said blended families came easy.
Well,like I may have mentioned,we are now entering our 11th month of TTC,they say 90% of healthy couples will conceive within 12 months of trying...but my BT does throw a wrench into the mix. We are using the Clearblue easy fertility monitor this month,because it has a very high success rate of pinpointing ovulation (fun stuff right?),so we are hoping that may help. Either way we may go ahead and wait to see a new RE in Dallas after we move. I don't feel it would be wise to begin clomid or any other treatment with Dr.Hales only a month before we move. In other news,I am a huge fan of thebump.com message boards,and the ladies had been talking ALOT about a "baby psychic" named Cheri,and she has actually been right about quite a few of their pregnancies,so for $10 I said what the hell...here is what she predicted!
Hi heather
Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. They show you guys having a BOY and they relate him to SEPT so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.
When it comes to your son, I am seeing him as someone who is always interested in how things work. You will find him to be able to pay close attention the mechanisms of things and then trying it out for himself. You will find that he has so much fun with trying to figure it out himself and you will be amazed with the type of things that he knows and you didn't realize that he figured it out already.
When it comes to your son, hes someone who is always going to be doing something> loves to keep himself occupied and is not one to want to just sit there and do nothing. Hes going to enjoy watching TV as long as its something that is entertaining, a bit fast paced and action based. Otherwise hes playing with his toys, using his own imagination and just having a good time. Hes always going to love playing with other kids and seeing him always calling on other kids in the neighbourhood to play.
Loves playing in forts, and often wanting to take some of the blankets outside and making a fort. They are showing a few of them getting wrecked, but he is pretty good about taking fairly good care of it.
When it comes to your son, they are showing school being "easy" for him and I am seeing you often giving him extra activities to challenge him a bit more and really feed into his curiosity. They are showing him always up for any challenge and will always help when needed.
When it comes to career paths, they are showing your son linked to working in an engineering field. I am seeing alot of specific mechanical type parts, things like fuses and other type "plugs". I am not sure what these parts do.
When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 26. They will have two girls of their own.
Let me know if you have any questions
Best Wishes
Cheri
Side note- Mike agreed that this sounds just like his and Alex's personalities...so we will see!
Best Wishes
Cheri
Side note- Mike agreed that this sounds just like his and Alex's personalities...so we will see!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Everything is bigger in DFW
I wanted to update everyone about what has been going on with us recently with some news of moving,and our TTC journey.
When Mike was offered the job with SC we were told it would not be for a Lubbock position,but we wouldn't move out of TX either. We knew it could happen sometime after Christmas so we have been mentally preparing,since we did just move into our rental home. We found out a few weeks ago that we will in fact be moving to DFW in January. Mike will be working in Mansfield,but we haven't decided where we want to live yet. Next month when I go to NYC,instead of coming back to Lubbock,I am flying into DFW where Mike will meet me,and we plan to spend a few days looking at cities,homes,school districts etc. Most likely though,we will live in Arlington. Mike and I have both gone through a lot of emotions,especially with Mike moving away from Alex and Ashley,but I have lived in Lubbock since birth,most of my family is here,I have been at my job for 2 years, and our Maternal/Fetal Dr is here,and I had planned on going through our pregnancy journey with him.We are both excited though,since this we be a journey for Mike and I to experience together..
Now to the TTC issue,yes we are still trying. We are now on cycle 11,which is disappointing,but with my Balanced Translocation (refer to my first blog post) it can make the entire conceiving journey more difficult. The good thing out of this,is since we are now nearing the 1 year mark,we can start doing more testing with Dr.Hales and hopefully speed up with process before we move. Dr.Hales had told me that he has Dr's he works with closely in Dallas,so that is comforting. I have had so many different emotions through this journey so far. I have had a lot of resentment towards God at some points,because it seems crazy that I am the 1 out of 1000 births that has this chromosome disorder,that is making the process of trying to start a family a pain in the ass. There are 16 year olds all over the place with babies that they cant take care of,but we are a married couple ready for a family,and having trouble. That is when I have to think back to the day we met with our Genetic Counselor,we went into the appointment expecting to hear that we would have to adopt or do extensive IVF,but she didn't say any of that. She told us that we can have our own healthy baby,at some point. As we near the 1 year mark and our 2 year anniversary,I can only hope and pray that we get our BFP soon.
That being said I wanted to offer up some advice to those who know someone experiencing trouble TTC. I have heard it all,and it never gets easier...truthfully I want to scream and walk away when I hear these statements. They are neither helpful or reassuring. Just ask if there is anything you can do to help or simply say that you will pray for the couple as they go through the process,and wish them luck.
1.Just relax it will happen. Obviously it hasn't and I am well aware.
2.I bet when you stop "trying" you will get pregnant. Okay,we all know there are certain things that HAVE to happen to get pregnant.
3. It happened for us on the first try. Yeah,that's really what I want to hear.
4. You wouldn't understand,you have never had a baby. Well thank the F outta you. I had NO idea.
5. I bet their is nothing wrong with you. Ok I have had chromosomal testing done,I do in fact have a BT.
6. And my favorite...you can always just adopt or do IVF. You have a few thousand $$ laying around because I don't,and they are both upwards of $10-$20k. Trust me,I have done the research.
Until next time!
When Mike was offered the job with SC we were told it would not be for a Lubbock position,but we wouldn't move out of TX either. We knew it could happen sometime after Christmas so we have been mentally preparing,since we did just move into our rental home. We found out a few weeks ago that we will in fact be moving to DFW in January. Mike will be working in Mansfield,but we haven't decided where we want to live yet. Next month when I go to NYC,instead of coming back to Lubbock,I am flying into DFW where Mike will meet me,and we plan to spend a few days looking at cities,homes,school districts etc. Most likely though,we will live in Arlington. Mike and I have both gone through a lot of emotions,especially with Mike moving away from Alex and Ashley,but I have lived in Lubbock since birth,most of my family is here,I have been at my job for 2 years, and our Maternal/Fetal Dr is here,and I had planned on going through our pregnancy journey with him.We are both excited though,since this we be a journey for Mike and I to experience together..
Now to the TTC issue,yes we are still trying. We are now on cycle 11,which is disappointing,but with my Balanced Translocation (refer to my first blog post) it can make the entire conceiving journey more difficult. The good thing out of this,is since we are now nearing the 1 year mark,we can start doing more testing with Dr.Hales and hopefully speed up with process before we move. Dr.Hales had told me that he has Dr's he works with closely in Dallas,so that is comforting. I have had so many different emotions through this journey so far. I have had a lot of resentment towards God at some points,because it seems crazy that I am the 1 out of 1000 births that has this chromosome disorder,that is making the process of trying to start a family a pain in the ass. There are 16 year olds all over the place with babies that they cant take care of,but we are a married couple ready for a family,and having trouble. That is when I have to think back to the day we met with our Genetic Counselor,we went into the appointment expecting to hear that we would have to adopt or do extensive IVF,but she didn't say any of that. She told us that we can have our own healthy baby,at some point. As we near the 1 year mark and our 2 year anniversary,I can only hope and pray that we get our BFP soon.
That being said I wanted to offer up some advice to those who know someone experiencing trouble TTC. I have heard it all,and it never gets easier...truthfully I want to scream and walk away when I hear these statements. They are neither helpful or reassuring. Just ask if there is anything you can do to help or simply say that you will pray for the couple as they go through the process,and wish them luck.
1.Just relax it will happen. Obviously it hasn't and I am well aware.
2.I bet when you stop "trying" you will get pregnant. Okay,we all know there are certain things that HAVE to happen to get pregnant.
3. It happened for us on the first try. Yeah,that's really what I want to hear.
4. You wouldn't understand,you have never had a baby. Well thank the F outta you. I had NO idea.
5. I bet their is nothing wrong with you. Ok I have had chromosomal testing done,I do in fact have a BT.
6. And my favorite...you can always just adopt or do IVF. You have a few thousand $$ laying around because I don't,and they are both upwards of $10-$20k. Trust me,I have done the research.
Until next time!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Update
Well friends,I was hoping by now I could create a blog saying we are expecting or something like that...but for now I cant. I have really had to sit down and take a deep breath with the whole baby adventure. As most of you know,Mike and I started trying for a baby in December with no luck to date. It is definatly disheartening to go from thinking I could never have a baby to hearing I can and now experiencing fertility issues. I know I know, there are the stories of couples trying for years before they get pregnant...we don't have that luxury...that's one of the sacrifices to be made when you enter into a marriage with a significant age difference. It is so frustrating...we are a married almost 2 years,happy, financially stable couple ready to have a baby only to experience problems. Of course if I were 16 and not planning,this would have happened the first try. I have had alot of anger directed towards God....alot of "why me's" but with the roller coaster our lives have been on the last few weeks,I think this is why I haven't gotten pregnant....now I can see,that maybe God was holding us off for our own good. Mike recently got a demotion from his position,with a significant pay cut,right when we were about to go through the home buying process. Unfortunately, after the wedding we fell back on two credit cards that have gotten out of hand (let this be a word of advice to those of you who want to spend $15k on your dream wedding) and we were finally at the point we could settle the cards and get us into our first home..and then the demotion happened. So we went from moving our lives in the right direction to having to step back and re-evaluate the situation. It is not the ideal situation,but we found a beautiful rental home that will allow us to have the room we need for the kids,and allow to take the next year or two,and get completely out of debt,and then maybe we can buy our dream home. So that is a little update as to what has been going on the last 7 months...hopefully by the end of the year we will have some good news for you all!
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